>Two people I love have made comments towards my gender slippage recently, effectively suggesting I either am or am becoming, a man. This post is to clarify that as simply and succinctly as I am able to here.
Granted, I do tend to prefer he to she and him to her nowadays… but I am not a man. However I don’t much enjoy being defined as a woman any more, either; I prefer guy, gent, person etc.
I have some fairly unmissable feminine bits (up above and down below) and I am not afraid to use them either. If it works don’t knock it I say. Mind you I do tend to prefer being the aggressor/doer nowadays, and let’s not even go into which orifices I prefer here… I’m trying to be delicate here ~cough~
It is however a very blurred line. I’m still most of the woman that I always was, a biological parent and grandparent (ergo ‘mum’ & ‘gran’); but now I’m also the masculine me that hitherto I never felt I was allowed to be. I have very short hair now and I don’t wear dresses, but I like to keep a flash of gold in my ear.
I am simply me, at home in my skin, satisfied and complete. Seemingly complex, yet terribly simple really. I’m just a big ole softy who’s trying to save the world in my own little way; one person at a time apparently. ~chuckles~
Yes, I am awaiting an appointment at the gender clinic in Sheffield; however that is not to have a referral for T or for any kind of surgery to ‘correct’ any ‘wrong’. Do I really sound like I need voice training or look like I need dress coaching? I’m also rather partial to my face as it is.
Yes I may well feel the need to reshape my body some – with weight loss, toning up, a bit of muscle group building and yes, I’d rather not be quite so voluminous in the up above department, frankly – but I’m happy to do it au natural, in other words I have no desire to surgically alter myself.
I also don’t need to grow a… ‘downstairs man-bits’ with a pulse, thank you. I have my own, and it suits me (and my loves) very well indeed. I also have a jolly realistic one that I can remove for convenience; which is pretty cool for me.
My reason for attending that clinic is simple; support. Simply to be able to talk with someone who knows more about this stuff than I do; I want to be sure that I’m ok being me, basically. Validation? Approval? Perhaps. I do know I just need someone to talk to about gender who knows their field and can perhaps better understand where I’m coming from. I find it fascinating and I’m always up for advice or opinions from those who know something better than I. I like to learn and explore whether it’s about myself, life or anything I don’t really understand.
The real deal here, the thing that matters to me in clarifying who I am, is this (I believe)...
There is not always just a simple binary code as far as gender is concerned. That is society telling us what and who we should be. Male or female. Ours in particular, as there are plenty of others that do have far more fluidity within gender, and many have no taboo or stigma attached. Feminine men and masculine women are equally disdained in our culture; it’s time to change that society-determined and pretty warped perception. Sure, once upon a time it was important for procreation and population, but look around, is that really important now? Is one man one woman make babies really necessary any more? It’ll be healthier for the planet in the long run if more people stop following that ideology now.
With the vast numbers of people already fluidly changing, androgynous, altering gender altogether etc… more and more people are realising this; binary just simply doesn’t always cover it!
I have a small and relatively simple theory on this, please do bear with me.
In a similar way as we have, through evolution, utterly changed and melded as races in shapes, sizes, height, skin colourings etc. the human race is now a wonderful, beautiful inter-everything race of pretty much mongrels (believe me, no insult is inferred)… and as such even the gender lines are blurring. Many more of us nowadays are sitting somewhere on the bell curve, neither here, nor there, in anyone else’s society dictated binary code. 🙂
Whether that concept works for you or not, I’m certainly far happier and more comfortable being me now; whichever gender (or anything else) that you choose to perceive me as.
I’d also like to remind people that I am far more than just a gender; that is only one single part of what determines who I am. Granted it’s quite a big one, but I’m still the me inside, it’s just the packaging that’s changed.
Oh, one last thing before I go to bed at this dreadfully late hour. There IS a whole world of difference between transsexual and transgender. I consider myself transgender on the ftm curve, straddling the blurred lines of gender, leaning towards masculine rather than changing biologically and physically from one sex to the other. Enjoying all parts of myself, allowing myself freedom to fluctuate within my gender, happier nearer the masculine end than the feminine.
A transsexual wishes to change their biological sex, to ‘correct’ a biological birth error. A transgender person merely wishes to be and enjoy the gender to which they find their personality and inner view of themselves leaning; from merely changing their wardrobe to full transexuality at the other end of the scale.
So where was I, oh yes, that simple and succinct part of what I actually intended to say tonight?
I am not changing my sex from a woman to a man, I am redefining my gender from female to masculine (and yes, that particular choice of wording was deliberate: I preferred to choose female as where I was coming from rather than feminine, yet masculine as opposed to male as where I am now).
There is a vast difference. I will probably try to clarify (for readers, not for myself) this further in future. I merely felt the need to speak up at this point.
Hope that made sense.. it was a bit of a brain dump.