>Scared crapless…

>This is probably the most ‘personal’ post I’ve written in a very long time. I find it becomes easier to post drivel and daily babble and harder to write anything with any real personal meaning.

However I just had to write this down somewhere so I hope my readers and especially those concerned will forgive me.

Luisa’s just got the wonderful news from her Doctor today that she has been approved for bariatric surgery, that means the stomach band. It means that in the next year she will change beyond all recognition and lose all the weight, for the very first time in her life since being a child. Naturally she’s thrilled, she’s always struggled with her weight and tried every diet/method going, always falling off the wagon and going back to her one pleasure and comfort in life (other than sex) which has always been food. Raised Italian American her whole life has been about food, socially especially, and anyone who knows Luisa knows how much of a social animal she truly is. So anyway she’s super excited and thrilled about the whole thing.
Me? I’m scared ruddy shitless.
Firstly I’m scared of the surgery itself, accidents do happen, unforeseen circumstances etc… I don’t want to lose her. She’s heavily asthmatic, doesn’t react well to general anaesthetics and of course morbidly obese, which brings it’s own ironic risks to any surgery.
Secondly, since her father passed on she’s been focussing far more inwardly and that has partly driven her to this step. Not saying that’s a bad thing, just making note.
Thirdly, echoes of other circumstances torture me.
I have watched several people go through this massive change, I can’t describe to anyone who hasn’t seen or felt it just how big a change this really is going to be for Lu. It’s gigantic, enormous, overwhelmingly huge. In every case it changes the person, yes of course health wise it’s fantastic, the chance for a whole new way of life, living fully and healthily usually for the first time ever or certainly in many years. She’ll live longer. She’ll thrill with buying new clothes and being able to choose how she looks. All this is fantastic and I wish nothing but the very best of it all for her.
I have also watched as every one of them changes their whole lives, personalities, even partner choices.
[EDITED (paragraph removed): as apparently my opinions/feelings aren’t allowed]
So… naturally I’m utterly overjoyed that the person I love most in the world, who matters so very much to me, will live longer, healthier, happier and freer of her final demon so to speak. Totally. Most everyone who knows us knows ours is a love that defies normal logic and reason, indefatigable, special, once in a lifetime.
On the other hand, I’m scared bloody shitless. Did I mention that?
~takes cover, gibbers in the corner and takes a very deep breath~
DK
NOTE: whilst I appreciate well meaning advice to be just that… yes I trust her love for me totally, yes of course I want the very best for her, yes naturally I understand that this is my own fears and probably unjustified, etc. I just needed to vent it somewhere rather than implode, okeydokes? Thank you.
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About DK Green (aka DKLeather)

- 51 year old parent, grandparent & unbelievably great grandparent! - Holistic psychotherapist & counsellor, supervisor, life coach, guide, hypnotherapist, shamanic practitioner, mentor, meditator, motorcycle and horse rider, celebrant and tarot reader. - Happily living a very diverse life filled with family, friends, loves, laughter and so much more. - Polyamorous. Passionate. Trans. Leather.
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