Healing isn’t Linear

I’ve had a hankering to journal again. And um no Facebook. Lol

I don’t want it to be all moaning, but I’m afraid it’ll start with one. Well, that’s why I need to journal I guess.

My recovery from covid-19 has been long, weary making and mostly unpleasant. Ok it’s sucked arse. I’ve written about it here in previous entries, so I won’t regurgitate all the symptoms and that experience.

But I do need to say omg I’m so bloody sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I’m overwhelmingly exhausted. The post vital fatigue had finally started to lift a month ago (after 7 months).. but this past week it’s really kicked my arse all over again. I got nothing.

Often I can’t even lift my arms, let alone walk. When I walk I look about 90, and I’m humiliated by that. My body hurts, aches, has no strength, no energy, no stamina. Doing one relatively normal thing (for me, previously) leaves me totally shot for a week or more.

I’m not known for being the world’s most patient patient.. But seriously. This is beyond ridiculous. I know they’re still learning about the effects of long covid-19, I’m sad I got it in the beginning, because maybe later would have been better, they’d take me seriously now. I’m banging down supplements recommended like smarties. I’m resting when my body says rest.

But omg I’ve got so much to do, so much living to do, and I’m sat here a deflated useless lump.

Ok that’s exaggerating. I’m still working of course, because my client books are utterly full (unsurprisingly) and I can sit in my comfy chair and just work, to help others. That feels good at least. Useful.

But all the other things I want to do, even much of it I’d still be able to do in lockdown, I’m stuffed for, for now. Online courses, books, monthly online workshops.. nada.

I just can’t. Frustrated and sad are my current middle names.

Still.. As always.. I AM truly blessed. I have a wonderful home, which I share with my loves, a great garden (so much work done on it during lockdown!) and now even a new fabulous bathroom! My other relationships are soul nourishing and wonderful, some poorly, some lonely, all missing each other and me.. yet they’re all still there. My kids are glorious, their kids too; each struggling through lockdown in their own way but managing. I miss my mum, and my kids, most of all.

My life is good, great even. But it does feel, like most I expect, it’s on pause.

I’m fed up. Hence journal. That’ll do for today.