Would I like some cheese with that whine? Yes, yes indeed I would.
I have so many ‘tasks’ to complete, professional, business, necessary and important tasks, even one quite urgent. But I’m snuggled on my sofa, it’s my day off, I’m wrapped in my big ole gifted merino wool cardigan, toes tucked in under a fluffy blanket in my slippers, curled up into the sofa and definitely feeling the call for a bit of self-love, gentleness, and even playfulness.
So I came to my writing circle with a particular urgent task in mind as my intention (with an actual deadline). I looked at my own book, begun and part written, still sat awaiting my further attention. I looked at the group work ‘essays’ I wrote last week, knowing that I really do need to get that out into the world too.
But all I want to do is breathe, flex, spin words like wool and play with them, toy with them, roll them around in my mouth like fascinating and delicious flavours to explore. I’m feeling playful.
So what should I free-fall write about I ask myself? Because of course, falling free into the void feels terrifying and wonderful, but surely I ‘must have’ (should, could, ought) some idea, right? Then again, is that really how truly playing with words like paint on an artist’s palette should work?
This space, this ‘Wild Write Wednesdays’ group of open hearts, really gets my juices flowing creatively. It is literally the only space in my life at present where I get to enjoy and employ my artistry, my creativity, my joy; and there is decidedly not enough of that in my life at present. It’s always on my day off, thankfully, where I can relax and indulge myself a little. Yet today was actually more work; a supervisee session followed by a research interview! So is it any wonder that I don’t want to work, I just want to play.
I watch them, as I write here. I separate the screen into two halves; one, my writing and the other, their faces on a zoom screen that is the group ‘home’. In the sharing there is often one or two themes running and today was no different, many of us feeling the pull of obligations versus the joy of this, our creative space. I see pondering, busy-ness, lost in thought, contemplation and distraction. It’s a wholesome space filled with bright spirits, and its beautiful to write within this holding by our esteemed host and each other.
So what am I doing? Letting words fall freely from my fingertips without concern about ‘sense’ or ‘structure’ or ‘meaning’… living my own lessons of being a human being, rather than a human doing. Yum. It’s delicious. To do a thing simply for the love and enjoyment of it, rather than for some higher purpose or some productivity aim. Lush!
I’m actually simply really enjoying indulging myself in warmth, cosiness, comfort and rest. Relaxing, stretching, flexing and sighing, deeply content. Brief moments of tenderness towards myself. Heartbeats, breath, a pause, a smile. The space between the words perhaps.
If I weren’t keeping company I’d probably simply lay down on these cushions and allow myself to dose, float off softly to some distant dreams, a smile tickling the corners of my mouth.
Heartbeat and breath, that’s what it all comes down to. We’re (I’m) so busy doing, doing, doing. It’s really considered a luxury and a self-indulgence to simply rest. Isn’t that the most bizarre thing?